Oz Revealed!
by Lovely Little Lina
Summary: What will happen when the characters of Oz and Gregory Maguire are called to a live television studio? How will they all embarass themselves in front of millions of people they don't know? God, knows they will find a way! Chapter 14! Yes!
1. What?

**I have stupidly forgotten to mention that I don't own any of the characters used. Except for one that I made up. I do own the words that don't appear to be words when you see them. This is all randomly planned out as well so just you know go with it. It's that simple. I'll write another one which is serious, sort of. This is supposed to make you laugh though.**

A letter went out two days ago to the author of Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West. Gregory Maguire was told to come to a TV station in New York City today. He arrived there in nice clothes like someone important. People directed him to a studio in the back where he was told to go backstage quickly. He was late. He ran inside the room where voices could be heard. There stood Glinda in a beautiful pink dress right in front of him. Another man he didn't know was talking and Boq the munchkinlander was sitting off to the side by the wall of the small room. What he thought was Fiyero sat in a corner with his arms crossed and glaring at the floor. Three characters from Oz in one room. What? He entered and approached the man who had been speaking.

"What's going on?" He asked glancing back at the people behind him. The man smirked slightly and then nodded to himself.

"Good. You're here. Now we are only missing one more." He said checking something on the clipboard.

"Yes, but what is going on?" He demanded shrugging confused now. Glinda approached him from behind and grabbed his shoulder.

"They won't tell us. So, we're all here and should at least be friends." She said smiling at him as he turned around to face her and the man left the room closing the door behind him.

"I'm..." She began extending her hand to him.

"Glinda Upland." He said looking around the room annoyed at not being able to know what was happening. Glinda pulled her hand back in shock and Boq leaned forward as Fiyero looked up. "You are Fiyero of the Arjikis." He said to him in the corner. "You are Boq of Munchkinland." He finished nodding in turn to each of them as he said their names. Each one looked up with a look of surprise on their face as their name was said. Fiyero shook his head and stood up to his full height. Which was much taller than Gregory himself was.

"Alright you know who we are, but who are you?" He asked as Glinda also leaned forward to listen for the answer and Boq stood up.

"I am Gregory Maguire. I wrote a book about..." Just as he spoke the door behind him opened slowly and a figure stood there in the doorway. The man was behind her and pushed her inside less than gently.

"Alright. Now we have everyone." He said checking his clipboard again and closing the door. The figure's hat was pulled down to cover her eyes and her hands were hidden under her cloak.

"Out of all of you am I the only one who dressed for this place." She said walking past Glinda and the to Boq and stopping in front of Fiyero.

"Perhaps we didn't know how to dress." Glinda said to her turning back to Gregory and crossing her arms. Boq looked at her and then at his own munchkin clothes. The figure eyed Fiyero's clothing and smirked.

Gregory knowing who it was now looked at Glinda who was determinedly not looking behind her.

"About her." He finished looking at the Witch now turning to face him and smiling slightly under the brim of her hat.

"Oh, really? Now isn't that interesting?" She said removing her hat and letting her hair unfurl down her back and showing her whole face. The door opened again and the same man addressed them now without the clipboard.

"Now that everyone has arrived," He said shooting a look at Elphaba who glared back with her piercing black eyes, scaring him. "the show can finally begin." He said leaving the door open for them to follow as he left.

"Show?" The group echoed leaving the room behind him with Elphaba behind them.

* * *


	2. Bravo!

They were then lead out to a stage with five chairs out in a line across it. Gregory was sat first in the last chair. Then Boq was placed next to him with Glinda beside him. Fiyero cam next and then Elphaba in the first chair. The man came again to them and finally spoke.

"This is a show where a live audience can ask you anything they wish to know about you." He said first to the group sitting in the uncomfortable chairs. He then walked over to Gregory and handed him his book.

"This is most likely what they will ask you about." The other four turned to look at him as the man left them. Boq grabbed it from his hands and read the cover aloud to the group.

"The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West." He read passing it to Glinda who looked at it curiously. Then it was passed to Fiyero who had it for only a second before Elphaba grabbed it from him. She looked over the cover and then opened it and looked at the pictures stopping at the one of her and Fiyero and looking at him surprised and smirking. Then a handsome young man stepped out onto the stage with the five confused people and sat in the comfy chair apart from the others.

"So how are all of you?" He asked scanning the people and stopping at Elphaba at the end near him who was still scanning the book.

"Confused."

"Bored."

"Unhappy."

"Excited."

Four of them said at the same time leaving one who hadn't answered. She closed the book and handed it to Fiyero to pass back to Gregory at the opposite end. The host looked at her awaiting his answer as people began to wheel cameras into the room and set up.

"Awaiting what they have for me to answer." She answered simply turning to look at the empty audience. He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest.

"I haven't read the book so forgive me if I don't know all of your names. You are Gregory Maguire." He said pointing to Gregory at the other end. He then began to move down the row. "Not to sure about you, Glinda that one anyone would know." At this she sat back and smiled at the room around them proudly. "You I'm sorry I don't know and you are the Wicked Witch of the West." He finished proud of himself for knowing three of the five sitting in front of him. Elphaba clapped her hands slowly and smiled briefly at him.

"Bravo. You know Glinda and Gregory's names. However you are missing us three." She said to him standing up and walking to Gregory's end.

"This is Boq a munchkin." She said motioning to him and moving over to Fiyero. "This is Fiyero, prince of the Arjikis." She told him now moving to her seat and sitting down. "I am Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West." She finished looking at him smiling again. "Now you know." He looked down the row again and then to Elphaba.

"I'm Alex the host of this show. I really don't use my last name in it so I don't usually give it out." He said to them as the lights flashed. "Better get ready. They're ready to let the audience in." Glinda half jumped out of her seat. Boq sat forward making himself look smaller. Fiyero leaned back in his chair and looked at the ceiling. Elphaba sat up straight in her chair and looked at the row beside her. Gregory gripped the book in his hands nervously and looked at the floor. A curtain was pulled in front of the group as people began to enter. Gregory closed his eyes and gripped his book tighter in his hands as the voice of an announcer could be heard. Then applause and Alex could be heard.


	3. I am

"Today we have some very special guests that we shouldn't keep waiting. You will be able to ask them whatever you wish to know. Then we will play our game that they don't yet know about."

At this the group looked around at each other surprised and confused. Now a game? This would definitely be interesting if not embarrassing to any of them.

The audience clapped as the curtain was pulled back to reveal the five behind it. Elphaba winced slightly as the bright light met her eyes. Fiyero looked out at all the people there and then at her beside him. Boq shrunk down in his chair as Glinda rose beside him out of excitement. Gregory looked out at them all in the audience and hid his nerves behind a warm smile he gave to them.

"Alright. Well some of them don't need introductions."

He walked over to Gregory Maguire and smiled at the crowd.

"This is Gregory Maguire. Acclaimed children's author."

"Children? They shouldn't be reading my story." Elphaba remarked from her end.

"This is a munchkinlander... uh..."

"Boq." Elphaba said leaning forward and watching him. Alex moved down the line his smile flickering slightly.

"Glinda the Good Witch of the North."

Glinda smiled and waved sweetly at the crowd as she sat forward and mild clapping rang out.

"This is..." He looked at Elphaba who sighed and looked out to the crowd. She stood and finished for him.

"This is Fiyero, prince of the Arjikis." Clapping went out across the audience as she finished.

"I am Elphaba the Wicked Witch of the West." She finished sitting back down. A roar of applause swept through the theatre and Elphaba seemed stunned in her seat.


	4. Question me!

"So, first I will ask a few questions of my own and then we will get to the audience." The group sighed except for Glinda who clapped slightly.

"Alright. Well Glinda, how do you fell here right now?"

"I am overjoyed to be here. I think it is so great to be talking to you all."

Elphaba awed sarcastically so only Fiyero could hear and he laughed into his hands.

"Gregory, did you ever imagine meeting the people you wrote about?"

"Obviously not, because they were supposedly fictional when I wrote it. So, seeing them right now is shocking and exciting."

"I'm sure it is. Now Boq what did you think this was all about when you received the letter?"

"I actually thought it was a trick. I thought someone was pranking me, but now seeing as everyone else is here I don't think it is anymore."

"Maybe you still are Boq. Maybe this is all a dream. A spell I've put over you." Elphaba said waving her hands in front of her face and making Fiyero laugh harder.

"Now Fiyero, what would you say is the best thing about being here?"

"The game at the end. Whatever it is it better make her do something funny." He said through his laughter as he motioned to Elphaba who hit his arm.

"Finally, you Elphaba is it?"

"Yes."

"Well whatever. Who would you rather see go first in the game."

"Fiyero."

"No. I'm not going first!"

"Well usually we do use the last guests choice so yeah you will go first."

"No I won't."

"Oh, stop being a baby." Elphaba hit his arm again harder and looked back at Alex.

"Alright well that's all the questions I have for you five. When we return the audience will get to ask you whatever."

"I am overjoyed."

"I'm sure you are, Elphie!"

"That was sarcasm, Glinda."

"Oh. So you're not happy?"

"No. I'm not."

"Elphie! Perk up."

"No. You perk down."

"Yes well anyway we will be back in a few minutes. Stay tuned."


	5. What You Pathetic People Want to Know

"We're back and we have Gregory Maguire and Glinda and friends here on the show."

"I think he likes you Glinda."

"Who doesn't?"

"Oh, shut it."

"All of you shut it! Sorry now we will have audience members ask questions."

"Yeah let's hear what you pathetic people want to know."

"Elphie!"

"What?"

"That was mean!"

"So, they'll get over it."

"Anyway, does anyone have a question for these...people."

A random member of the audience stood up and waved his hand frantically in the air.

"Yes, you."

"Elphaba, what would you say is your greatest trait?"

"Her sarcasm!" Fiyero said suddenly smiling and holding back laughter.

"No!" Glinda and Boq echoed together.

"Yes!"

"What would _they_ say is my greatest trait?" She said smiling and crossing her arms across her chest.

"Sarcasm!"

"No! Her self-confidence."

"Her intuition!"

"Sarcasm it is then!" Elphaba decided sitting up straight again.

"Alright then." He said sitting back down slightly confused.

"Anyone else with a question?"

"Me!" Screamed a hyper young girl in the front row.

"Alright Go ahead." Alex said sitting down bored.

"Boq, what is the worst thing about Glinda?"

Glinda's mouth dropped open and she turned to glare at Boq.

"This is a good one." Elphaba said to Fiyero who laughed hysterically.

"Hey!" Glinda said hearing her and turning around to glare at her instead.

"Well it's so hard to find any bad things." Boq said smiling slightly in confusion. Elphaba leaned forward.

"Let me!"

"No!"

"I will then. She is over-bearing, snobbish, self-centered, too cheerful, too perky, likes pink way beyond a point of 'eww' and is not very bright."

Fiyero cracked up laughing in his chair which leaned back somewhat.

"Elphie!"

"Hey!"

"Well I was asking Boq, but that will work." The girl said smiling and sitting back down.

"One more audience member."

Another girl stood up and looked at Fiyero smiling a sickening sweet smile.

"Fiyero, why do you love Elphaba?"

Glinda and Boq both look at them in surprise and shock.

"Why not?"

"Aww how sweet of you." Elphaba said faking being touched by his statement. He laughed and shook his chair slightly.

"After this commercial break our game will begin!"

"Hooray."

"Now are you happy?"

"Still no."

"Darn it."


	6. I Dare You

"We're back."

"No, really? Like they couldn't tell when they hear that gay music." Elphaba said rolling her eyes and looking away from him. Fiyero laughed into his hands at her side.

"Well, know we will begin our game." Alex said to the audience biting back his anger. Glinda clapped her hands excitedly at this. Elphaba only one seat away from her performed an imitation of her clap for Fiyero who laughed even harder into his hands.

"Anyway, I will explain the rules."

"How about a name first?" Gregory shouted from his chair.

"Fine. It's called I Dare You."

"Ooo scary name." Elphaba said behind his back as he rolled his eyes and held back on commenting to her.

"First, the audience will dare you," He began.

"Oh, great the audience again."

"Then you will dare each other." At this Elphaba looked down the row with an evil glint in her eyes. No one looked back at her out of fear.

"Crap." Came Gregory's voice as he heard this.

"I didn't sign up for this!" Boq shouted from his chair.

"I know it's free." Alex told them smiling back out to the audience.

"This should be fun!" Elphaba mouthed Glinda's words and faked her happiness making Fiyero laugh again.

"Whatever, does anyone have a dare for them?"

Another audience member stands up and looks at Glinda.

"Glinda I dare you to be depressing!"

"What?!"

"That's easy." Alex said waving his hand as if dismissing the dare.

"Not for her." Elphaba corrected.

Glinda slumped down in her chair and glared at the floor for a few minutes. Then sat up straight with a smile on her face.

"Good job!" Alex said with some sarcasm that she didn't catch.

"I am amazed." Elphaba said looking shocked.

"Me too." Fiyero agreed.

"That I was depressing?"

"No. That they accepted that." Elphaba answered looking at her as Glinda's face fell.

"I wasn't good?"

"Glinda, that was depressing to depressing people."

"Anyway, another dare? Anyone!" Alex said anger creeping into his voice.

One of the audience members from before stood up again and screamed out their dare.

"I dare Boq to kiss Fiyero!"

"What?!"

"You sicko!" Elphaba broke into a small fit of laughter as Fiyero called her that and seemed really distressed by this.

"You have been dared and in the rules it says you have to do it."

"I don't want Boq touching me at all!"

"Why would I?"

"You have to!" Alex moved over and pushed Boq over in front of Fiyero's chair. He pushes him down to kiss him. Then Elphaba pushed Alex in front of Fiyero and Boq kissed him instead.

"Will that work?" She asked smiling. The girl was laughing hysterically in her seat.

"Yes." She managed to choke out.

"Good." She said as Fiyero leaned back in his chair laughing.

"What the hell?" Alex said stunned by her actions.

"Gross!" Boq said turning and going back to his chair as laughed softly in her own chair. Alex walked back over to his desk angry now.

"God. I hate my job!" He said angrily as he slammed his fists on the desk, which then collapsed in front of him.

"I love this game." Elphaba said smiling as Fiyero fell over in his chair next to her. "It just gets better." She said laughing at him.

"Elphie?"

"What?" She asked glaring at Glinda.

"Are you happy now?"


	7. Dare You to Move

"We have time for one more dare? Then they will dare each other."

"Oh, god." Gregory whispered loud enough to hear.

"Yes, oh god is right."

Another audience member jumps up on the stage wearing the same symbol on all her clothing.

"Dare You to Move!" She screamed.

"What the hell?" Elphaba said shrugging.

"What does that mean?" Fiyero asked her looking confused.

"It's a song." Gregory said to them from down the road.

"Really?"

"Yes. From Switchfoot which is a band." The audience member continued to sing the song in a horrible screeching noise. Elphaba glared at her for a few minutes. Then the girl went up in a puff of smoke which cleared to reveal a mute howler monkey. Fiyero then collapsed from laughter on the floor as the monkey ran out the door.

"Alright then. When we come back they will dare each other."

"That wasn't even a dare!"

"So, who cares, Gregory?"

"I do!"

Elphaba stood up and looked into the camera smiling.

"I dare you to play that gay music again."

Fiyero rolled off the stage laughing hysterically and then runs out of the door and outside.

"And then there was four."


	8. Go jump in a lake!

******I don't exactly know how many chapters this will have, but the ending I have just come up with so I know what will happen in the end. I loved it the first time it waltz into my head. I can't wait to write it. **

"We're back!" Came Elphaba's voice from her seat on the stage.

"That's my line!"

"Well you were indispose."

"No. I wasn't!"

"Not yet."

"Whatever." Alex said in an angrier voice than they had heard him use. "The guests are daring each other, so continue."

"Gregory, I dare you to..." Glinda started to say, but just as she said his name he stood up and walked off camera.

"Okay then." Alex said to the audience as Gregory is dragged back onto the stage and dropped in his chair.

"Elphaba I dare you to be perky!" Glinda said clapping her hands in front of her again.

"Okay!" Elphaba said imitating Glinda's voice and actions for a second. "There." She said again back in her normal voice.

Then Fiyero ran back inside and falls down breathless in front of Elphaba.

"Elphaba...your face is...on a building." He said breathing quickly.

"Where's my face?" Glinda whined.

"Right next to mine."

"Yes!" Fiyero said nodding quickly.

"I've seen it."

"It's cool Elphaba." He said as he moved on the floor between her and Glinda.

"Is my face important?"

"No. The musical is about me."

"Why?" Glinda whined tearing up slightly.

"Anyway you are supposed to be daring each other."

"Fiyero I dare you to kiss Elphaba." Boq shouted out suddenly.

"Alright!" He said kissing her and then sitting back down. Glinda rolled her eyes as Elphaba grinned at Boq.

"Anymore dares?"

"I've got one for you." Gregory replied to her leaning forward. "Elphaba I dare you to go jump in a lake."

The other three all looked at Elphaba in shock as this was said.

"Alright!" Elphaba said standing up and leaving the studio followed by a cameraman She found an old dried up lake and jumped in. "Okay!" She told the camera.

"You're not melting?"

"No." She answered simply.

"There is no water?"

"You didn't say there had to be water."

"Damn it."

Fiyero laughed hysterically on the stage floor as Glinda giggled slightly beside him. Elphaba walked back into the studio and took her seat. "Now what?"

"Why isn't there a musical about me?" Glinda whined to them as Alex sat on the remains of his desk and buried his face in his hands.

"Because you're the good witch." Fiyero answered.

"People want to hear more about the wicked now."

Glinda began to cry. "Why?" Elphaba sighed and buried her face in her hands.

"We'll be back after a quick commercial break. You might want to change the channel.


	9. Crapshit!

**The word in this chapter is mine or I think is mine. It is stupid so just be prepared for major stupidity in the future.**

"We're..."

"Crapshit!"

"What?"

"What?"

"You just said something."

"No I didn't." Elphaba insisted as Fiyero laughed silently into the floor.

"Yes, well anyway. The guests are now daring each..."

"Crapshit!"

Alex closed his eyes and tried to hold back his anger as Elphaba grinned behind him.

"To do whatever it is they wish the other would. So far Glinda has dared..."

"Crapshit!"

"Elphaba and has been dared by..."

"Crapshit!"

"Anyway! Boq has also dared Fiyero and has been dared by..."

"Crap."

"No..."

"Shit."

"No one! Gregory has dared Elphaba and been dared by no one. While Elphaba and Fiyero have both been dared at least..."

"Crapshit!"

"Twice for Elphaba and once for Fiyero."

"Really?"

"Yes. Really."

"Now they will continue to dare each other until the show is..."

"Crapshit!"

"Will you please stop saying that?!" Alex finally yelled at Elphaba turning around to glare at her.

"Saying what?"

"That word you just said."

"What word?" She asked him looking generally confused as Fiyero laughed next to her.

"That word! I don't know what it is."

Gregory stood up again and walked off camera only to be brought back by two guards and dropped in his chair.

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."

"Alex?" A voice called from offstage.

"What?"

"You're running out of..."

"Crapshit!"

"There that word!" He screamed turning around to look at her. She looked up from the floor with a genuine look of confusion.

"What?"

"Time. You're running out of time." The voice said quickly.

"Fine whatever."

"We are running out of time before the next set of commercials so you should probably..."

"Crapshit!"

"Stop!"

"Gods, why are you yelling?"

"I'm yelling because you keep saying that word!"

"What? I'm not saying anything."

"Yes. You are!" Fiyero was now in hysterics on the floor at the legs of Elphaba's chair.

"No. I'm not. I think I would know if I said something."

"Oh my god!" Alex exclaimed walking off the stage angry now. Elphaba stood up and walked to the camera.

"We'll be back after this crapshit of a break."

"There! You just said it again!" Alex's voice screamed from backstage.

"He does not know what he's talking about." Elphaba said as Fiyero finally collapsed from laughter on the floor and laughed out loud.


	10. I Hate You!

**Last chapter was basically a filler this one though is sort of needed for the next chapter. When it says **_censored _**it means that is a word that was taken out of the sound of the show. I would actually write it, but that would decrease the humor of it!**

"We're..."

"Crapshit!"

"Stop it!"

"Stop what?"

Alex shook with anger as Elphaba laughed into her hands with Fiyero still laughing beside her.

"You said that word again."

"I'm telling you I didn't say anything."

Alex turns around to glare at her and then notices Glinda. Elphaba followed his eyes to her seat and saw she was crying.

"Glinda, what's wrong?"

Glinda stood up and glared at her shaking slightly.

"Everything is wrong! The world doesn't care for good anymore. You never cared for good."

"Got that right." Elphaba agreed leaning back in her chair.

"Who does care?"

"Glinda, calm down."

"No! If this world likes evil then I shouldn't be here! I hate this _censored_ world! I hate all it! I hate all of you _censored_ people too! Go talk to Elphaba! Since you all seem to like her _censored_ way of life! Her _censored_ evil way of living and thinking!"

"Hey!"

"Well it's true! You live like a censored witch. For Lurline's sake! Fiyero here is fawning all over you like a censored puppy dog."

"I am not!"

"What?"

"You know I'm right. I hate this _censored_ world. All of you _censored_ people can go to hell! Then you can be with your dearest Elphaba here. The Queen of the_ censored_ Wicked _censored_!" With this Glinda stormed off the stage and back into the room they had been in before. Elphaba sat down shocked by Glinda's words about her. Fiyero's laughter had stopped and he gaped at the backstage entrance. Alex faced the camera again now thoroughly shocked.

"Let's cut to commercial now."


	11. Coming out

**Alright. I know the ending, but I don't know where it will end. I can most certainly throw so much more random stuff in here than I already have. I don't know how much more I will though. **

**Note: No Ozians were harmed during this story. Though some were emotionally scared for life.

* * *

**

"Now that we're back..." Alex paused as he spoke and glanced behind him at Elphaba who shrugged innocently at him.

"We will continue with our show." Again he glanced back at Elphaba wearily. "Glinda is...not coming back at any time soon so there are four."

"She had an emotional breakdown." Elphaba cut in smiling at the camera.

"Yeah." Fiyero agreed.

"Well whatever she had she's not here anymore."

"Actually she's backstage."

"Whatever!"

"You have anger issues." Elphaba pointed out to Alex.

Alex bit his lip holding back from retorting to her comments.

"Well anyway our show should move on..." Just as he began to speak Boq stood up and looked out at the audience seriously. Elphaba and Fiyero looked over at him curiously. Gregory continued to stare at the floor and think of ways to get away.

"Yes, Boq?"

"I'm gay." He blurted out. Elphaba went into a silent fit of laughter as Fiyero looked worriedly at him.

"Excuse me?" Alex asked looking thoroughly shocked.

"You heard. I'm gay. I am gay." Elphaba fell on the floor laughing hysterically hidden behind her curtain of hair.

"Elphaba, it's not funny." Fiyero whispered smiling slightly.

"Yes. It is." Glinda's head appeared from backstage and then she stepped out in her pink dress slightly torn at the bottom.

"I thought you liked me?" She asked him glaring at him with eyes that _might_ scare Elphaba.

"I guess I realized what I am." Elphaba laughed harder at this and rolled over onto her back in hysterics.

"What is so funny Elphie?" Glinda asked stepping more on camera and shifting her gaze to her. Elphaba looked up at her and stopped her laughter for seconds.

"Don't you see? He realized that he's gay from liking you." Elphaba said now laughing uncontrollably again.

Glinda's face went into shock and Fiyero laughed with her now.

"No! That is not what happened." Boq protested looking at Glinda. She turned to him angrily and then ran off stage screaming angrily. Gregory stood up again and walked through the audience and out the door. A few seconds passed and then he was brought back in and dropped in his seat by two guards.

Alex rubbed his head and rolled his eyes as he moved over to his desk. "God this is horrible."

"For once I don't think so." Elphaba said as her laughter died out.

Boq walked over to Fiyero and smiled down at him.

"Oh, god." Fiyero said moving backwards.

"What I like you Fiyero." At this Elphaba stood up and stood between them.

"Hold up munchkin boy,"

"What?" He said glaring at her as Fiyero let out a sigh of relief.

"This Winkie belongs to me." She said towering over Boq as she said so. Boq backed up and Fiyero stood up and dusted off his clothes.

"Thank you."

"Fine. If you're all going to be like that, then I'll just leave." Boq said storming off stage and going to wear Glinda was. A scream was heard backstage and Glinda reappeared on stage.

"I just don't want to be with him right now." She said to all the surprised faces that greeted her. Elphaba shrugged and Fiyero just nodded. Alex stood back up and approached the camera.

"Well unfortunately we will now take a short commercial break. I would change the channel if I were you."

"What and miss all this action?"

"Shut up."

"No you."

"Just shut it you witch."

"You need anger management."


	12. Vegetable

**Disclaimer: I don't any Wicked mentions or Weirder. She is my best friend and I don't own her. Though in my story I basically do. You got owned!

* * *

**

"Now we're back with our crappy crap show." Alex said into the camera before turning away and sulking to the side of Elphaba. 

"Crappy crap crapshit."

"Shut up!" Alex screamed at her as Fiyero began to laugh again. "Anyway, Boq and Glinda are no longer here. So, let's get this over with. We only have now Gregory, Fiyero and god help me, Elphaba."

"Crappy crap crapshit."

"You stupid asparagus shut it!"

"No! You shut it!" She yelled back sitting forward in her seat.

"No! You! You stupid asparagus you has come to haunt me!" Fiyero now stood up and walked over in front of Alex and glared at him.

"Hey! She is not a fruit..."

"Vegetable dear."

"Vegetable. If she was I wouldn't be able to...nevermind that." He sat back down blushing slightly as Elphaba smirked beside him. Boq and Glinda poke their heads back on camera as he says this.

"No. What?" The blonde asks as she tries to hide the streaks of black mascara running down her cheek.

"Nothing. I did nothing." Elphaba's smirk grew more apparent and she turned to face the three.

"Not how I remember it."

"What's going on?" The munchkin asked moving onto the camera screen curiously.

"You're not supposed to know." Glinda now stepped out with Boq her arms crossed stubbornly.

"So what? We want to know."

"Oh god." Came Gregory's voice as she said this to him. He shook his head and closed his eyes to keep himself out of it.

"That's what I said." Elphaba replied grinning at Fiyero who glared back.

"No! I didn't do anything!"

"Anyone?" Elphaba chimed in holding back laughter.

"No!"

"Oh, shut up. We all know you're lying." Glinda said placing her hands on her hips.

"Yeah. We can." Boq backed her up placing his hands on his hips and making Elphaba break out laughing.

"I'm thinking you did something." Alex chimed in grinning wickedly.

"Someone." Elphaba corrected.

"I don't wanna hear any more!" Boq screamed flailing his arms above his head and walking backstage.

"No one! I didn't do anything or anyone."

"Then what are you talking about?" Glinda questioned now looking confused.

"I did no one!" He shouted burying his face in his hands.

"Alright." Alex said rolling his eyes and turning away from them. Elphaba smirked at Glinda and then the camera wickedly. Glinda reclaimed her seat next to Fiyero silently.

Just then Weirder Than You enters from the back entrance unnoticed and hides behind a group of men with pink shirts on. She can easily be seen, seeing as she is wearing all black.

"Anyway let's forget that topic and just contin-..."

Then Weirder ran down the center aisle to Gregory Maguire with a Wicked CD in her hands. She stopped suddenly and turned sharply tripping over the stairs on stage to get to Elphaba instead. Fiyero's head shoots up curiously and Glinda looks confused at this girl.

"Sign it!" She demanded shoving the CD in her green face. Elphaba takes it and the sharpie in her other hand and writes: _It._

"No. Your name."

Elphaba then writes: _Your Name._

"No! Sign the name you were given at birth."

Elphaba rolls her eyes and now writes: _The name you were given at birth._

"No, sign Elphaba."

"Why didn't you just say so?" Elphaba replies as she writes: _Elphaba._

"What about your last name?" Elphaba sighs and finishes her name. Then she hands it out to the girl who reaches to grab it back, but Fiyero snatches it first. He grabs the sharpie from Elphaba and writes something on the case. Then hands it to Weirder. It now reads:

It. Your Name.

The name you were given at birth.

Elphaba Thropp Tiggular

"Thanks."

"Whatever." Alex cut in standing up and walking towards her. "You have to get off the stage now."

"No! You can't make me." Weirder screamed jumping back and running backstage letting out a high pitched laugh much like an evil one.

"She's pretty good." Elphaba commented nodding to Fiyero who was laughing at Alex's confused expression.

"Anyway, before I lost my mind..."

"Which was awhile ago."

"No. Which was just when this show began, I really felt I had a good life. Now I know I am just here to be tormented by a walking asparagus."

"We've already been over that. She's not a fruit."

"Vegetable, Yero. An asparagus is a vegetable."

"Yeah whatever." Alex rolls his eyes and sits back down on the remains of his desk with his head buried in his hands. Glinda stares at the audience like a depressing pink doll that scared most of the audience members. Gregory looked at the floor in front of him, not able to move due to his straight jacket.

"Is time almost out for this show?" Alex asked looking off camera.

"Yeah really? How long is this torture?" Gregory asked looking up.

"No. Not even close."

"Damn." Both Gregory and Alex whispered. Suddenly Weirder appears again holding the CD in her hands and with a tall black hat on her head.

"Look! I got Elphaba's hat!" She screamed to the audience who cheered and laughed at her. Glinda seemed dead in her chair and didn't acknowledge her presence.

"Hey! Give it back!"

"No!"

"I'll make you."

"You can't."

"Why?"

"Because, the authoress is my best friend and won't let you." Weirder taunted sticking out her tongue at her.

Actually, it would be kind of funny to let her do whatever she would do. Being that she's the Wicked Witch it will probably be bad.

"Hey!"

"Thank you very much."

"Well, alright it would be kind of funny, but you wouldn't would you?"

You know you're talking to me? Right?

"Alright you would."

"Great." Elphaba said rubbing her hands together wickedly.

Yes, it is. However in this particular part I don't think I'll allow you to.

"Why?"

Well, because I may want to bring Weirder back into the story. At some point. If she's dead I can't really do that now can I?

"No. You really can't."

Exactly.

"Elphaba who are you talking to?" Fiyero asked looking up as if at God.

"The authoress."

"Who is?"

"Oh, god Fiyero please. Don't ask."

"Alright."

"I got the hat!" Weirder shouted throwing her hands up in the air and running through the center aisle again. She ran past the guards and out the door still screaming. "I got the Witch's hat!"

"What on earth will happen next?" Glinda asked resting her head on her hand.

"No one knows." Gregory said to her rolling his eyes.

"Anyway, now we can cut to commercial, I think...can we? We can good. So, still don't hesitate to change the channel."

"Don't." Fiyero said to the camera. Elphaba stood up and walked up to the camera with a serious look on her face.

"And now for something completely different."


	13. Men in Pink

**Here's another chapter. I see some people don't find this one funny so here I say. I don't care. It is supposed to be random and is really stupid in all aspects of the story. That's all.

* * *

**

"Yeah, for those of you stupid people who have not yet changed the channel, we are back." Alex said from the ruins of his desk. 

"Yeah you lucky people who are still watching." Elphaba said smiling in her seat again. Boq now showed himself for the first time since last commercial break and looked out at the audience.

"What are you afraid of Boq?" Glinda asked him turning her attention off of the floor.

"Her." Boq said pointing at Elphaba who didn't seem to be listening to anyone, but Fiyero talking beside her.

"Yes, well she scares most people." Glinda said rolling her eyes and motioning for Boq to take his seat again. He walked out onto the camera again and took his seat next to Glinda. As soon as he did the row of men wearing pink stood up and cheered for him. They did a small wave and then sat back down.

Elphaba looked around and found that all their commotion was for Boq and she smiled. Fiyero laughed out loud at this and covered his mouth with his hand immediately afterward.

"What is that about?" Alex muttered.

"I bet they're a bunch of gay guys who came because they like Boq." Fiyero whispered to Elphaba who laughed slightly and then smirked.

"Or who like you." He glared at her as she said this and then turned away. The men in pink stood up and walked down the center aisle in a procession. The stopped just in front of Boq.

"What the hell is going on?" He asked. They smiled at him and Glinda screamed at their creepy looks they threw at Boq.

Boq jumped up and ran off stage. He was quickly followed by the men who ran much faster than he was. Fiyero was in a fit of laughter by the time they were all off the stage.

"He is so in trouble."

"They are so creepy." Glinda said glancing down at Elphaba who had a smirk on her face. Then the side stage door burst open and a man in a mask covering half of his face ran inside closing the door behind him. He turned and seemed stunned at the sight of the room.

"Hello." Elphaba chimed brightly from her chair as Alex looked around for some type of explanation for this.

"Bonjour." He said leaping onto the stage and running behind Elphaba' s chair and crouching down.

"What are you hiding from?" Elphaba asked him turning to look down at him behind her chair.

"You don't want to know."

"If I didn't want to know I wouldn't ask." He glared up at her and then sat down on the stage floor behind her chair. Fiyero looked him over curiously while Glinda cowered back in her chair.

"No, you really don't want to know him."

"Look masked guy, I'm asking so I want..."

"Erik."

"What?"

"My names not 'masked guy' it's actually Erik."

"Fine whatever. I still want to..." Just then the same stage door burst open again to reveal another man there. This one didn't look as intimidating as Erik did. In fact he didn't look like he could fight a slug and win.

"Damn." Erik whispered shrinking behind the chair.

"You're needed at the studio." The man called. Erik spoke now, but his voice was coming from behind the man.

"My dear Fop de Changy I will not return to that torture chamber they call a television show."

"What do they do on this show?" Elphaba asked him quietly while the man twirled around in circles looking for him.

"Some stupid came about daring us and us daring each other."

"That's what this is about." Erik looked over at the broken desk and Alex sitting atop it.

"You seem to be having fun." Just at that moment Boq ran out of the backstage area screaming. The men in pink followed close behind him. He ran past the man who was generally confused and then was swept away by the mass of pink.

"Thank god for them. Erik said sitting up to let his head came up In between Elphaba's and Fiyero's. "So, you know my name, what of yours?"

"I'm Elphaba, that is Fiyero, Glinda, that blonde, and Gregory." Erik nodded at each as they were introduced and then looked towards the camera. A guard shut the door, but not before a certain Weirder had snuck back in. She moved quickly to the front row and took an empty seat that had been vacated when Glinda finally scared them off.

Elphaba's head turned at the movement and her eyes found Weirder again. "Oh, crap." She muttered. At this Erik looked up and saw the girl she was looking at.

"What?"

"This time you don't want to know."

"I have a feeling I'll find out." He said as Weirder stood up and ran back up on stage. She looked over the people on the stage again and then stopped as she reached Elphaba's chair. She moved closer and smiled as she saw Erik.

"I know you."

"Oh my god. She is scary."

"Told you so." Erik stood up and backed away from the chair that separated him from Weirder.

"Yes, I know. So, are you though. You're the Phantom of the Opera." Elphaba looked up at him smirking and then down at Gregory.

"Another book?"

"And musical. Actually the longest running musical on Broadway."

"That's great."

"Yeah, well anyway I was wondering if I could have a magic lasso."

"What?" Elphaba said as Erik let out a sigh of relief.

"A magic lasso is also known as a noose and no you can't have one. Unless you want tit around your neck."

"What if I say I can have anything I want because the authoress is my best friend?"

"I would have to say I don't care."

"Really? Well then maybe she'll kill you. Will you?"

Now, you know as well as I do that I could not, nor would I harm Erik. I wouldn't harm Elphaba or Fiyero either. Boq yeah I totally would have no problem with though.

"Yeah. I knew that."

"Yes!" Elphaba shouted jumping from her chair in triumph. "Ha you lose weirdo!"

"I don't lose! Do I?"

Technically you do. Except for the fact that you know a lot more about Elphaba than she thinks you do.

"What?"

Yeah, you see Weirder and I have both read the book Gregory wrote.

"So?"

So, in it he tells us everything you did in your life. Including everything you did with Fiyero.

Elphaba's mouth dropped open and she slowly turned her head to glare at Gregory who fidgeted nervously in his seat.

"Yes! So I win. Ha!"

No, you don't win either.

"What?"

You nay have all that information, but I am in charge of the story. So, I won't do that to Elphaba or Gregory.

"That's stupid!"

You're stupid!

"Both of you shut up!" Elphaba screamed staring up at the ceiling looking for the authoress.

"Why don't you all shut up!" Gregory shouted at them all from his chair. Glinda put her head in her hands and shook it slowly back and forth. Fiyero's eyes darted back and forth from Weirder to Elphaba as the spoke in turn. Then when the authoress spoke he would look up at the ceiling as if expecting the authoress to be God. Alex sat on the ruins of his desk checking every second if it was any closer to the end of the show.

Erik neither did nor said anything. He stood to the back of the group and stood there. His amber eyes scanning the audience and scaring a few.

Really Erik wins because he's not in this stupid conversation and is not really in this show at all. He got away from his stupid show.

"Yes. I did."

A scream came from outside and everyone froze and looked at the window's of the studio.

"What the hell?"

"It wasn't me." Erik said instinctively. Everyone turned to look at him suspiciously except for Weirder who laughed at this.

"What is so funny?" Fiyero asked standing up and walking to the center of the stage to the green girl and the weird one.

"It's Boq. He screamed." Weirder said through her laughter falling to the floor in hysterics.

"How do you know?"

"Who else could it be?" Just then Raoul burst through the door at the left of the stage and ran across it. He was now wearing a pink shirt to match the men before. Obviously they had caught him. Boq then followed Raoul back on camera and they ran to the other side of the stage as the men in pink appeared. They chased them off the stage and back out the opposite door.

"What the hell is going on?" Weirder was now rolling around on the floor in hysterics as they ran out. Elphaba and Fiyero were completely stunned while Glinda and Gregory seemed to be staring into space. Erik too was laughing hard kneeling on the floor.

"This is great!" He said looking at the door the men in pink had just exited. Alex looked up at the laughter and then at the door.

"What the hell is going on?" He repeated Elphaba's question.

"Yes, really can someone explain." Elphaba asked. They then looked at Weirder who stopped laughing and looked up in silence. Well, silence except for Erik's laughter.

"Why are you looking at me? Why don't you ask the authoress?" Elphaba, Fiyero and Alex looked at the ceiling or glared at the ceiling still imagining the authoress as some god.

"Well?" They demanded together.

Why do you want me to tell you the secret?

"So we can know what's going on?" Elphaba stated taking charge of the conversation.

Why don't you figure it out on your own?

"Because I really don't feel like it right now!" Alex screamed at the ceiling angrily scaring some more audience members away.

Fine you bitter little...anyway the men in pink are all _different_ and see that Boq and Raoul are_ different _too.

"You couldn't have been any more vague!"

Thank you!

"Whatever just tell us."

"They're all fops! You idiots! They're all fops or foppish in some nature. That would explain the pink."

"Oh." Erik then burst out into more laughter and collapsed on the floor again, as did Weirder.

"Oh, my god. This just continues to get better."

"This is the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my whole life."

"No. I'm Weirder Than You."


	14. Duct Tape

**Disclaimer: I do not own Wicked or Phantom if I did , well I would be somewhere else. I also do not own Weirder or Evanesce. They are real people weird but realy. Their weirdness makes them perfect for my story. If you do not like this stupidity, just keep it to yourself. Don't ruin my stupid fun. That's all.

* * *

**

"Alright since some idiots are still watching, we're back." 

"Why wouldn't they want to watch?" Elphaba chimed in.

"Because you're here."

"All the more reason." Fiyero said happily.

"Just dare each other!" Alex screamed sitting on the ruins of his desk.

"What's the point?" Glinda asked sourly.

"Yes, really it makes no sense." Erik joined in from Boq's empty chair.

"What do you matter?" Alex retorted bitterly.

"What do _you_ matter?"

"I'm the host of the show." He shouted standing.

Erik walked over to him until he was in his face.

"I'm the Phantom of the Opera!"

"So?"

"So, be afraid." He said snapping his noose in his face and making him back away. Alex backed right up to his desk and tripped over it falling backwards. "Oh yeah, this is fun."

"I told you." Elphaba said suddenly.

"You did?"

"I think."

"Alright I'll be the host now." Erik changed the subject smiling wickedly at the camera and audience.

"No, you won't!" Alex shouted jumping up and glaring at everyone around.

"Why not?"

"Because I said so! Now dare each other!"

"Alright..." Elphaba began grinning at the audience. " Can I dare Fiyero to pick me up and carry me out of this nuthouse to a land of magical 'fun'?"

"Magical fun?" Glinda asked looking curiously at her.

"Can I dare myself to do that?!?" Fiyero asked jumping up from his seat.

"No!" Alex answered.

"What are you talking about?"

"Glinda, magical 'fun'." Erik repeated to her.

"Oh!" Glinda said thinking for seconds then looking extremely disgusted as she realized what it meant. "Oh."

Erik smiled wickedly as he saw her face as Fiyero jumped up in the air.

"Elphie!"

"Glinda?"

"How could you?"

"I have to explain?"

"Please don't." Came Gregory's voice from the other end of the stage.

"No! You know what I mean!"

"Oh, Glinda, please."

"Can I?" Fiyero asked again with more excitement.

"Shut up, Fiyero!" Glinda screeched.

"Shut up, Glinda!"

"Silence!" Erik shouted causing everyone to freeze at the sound of his voice.

"So, can I?" Fiyero persisted.

"Yero, I was kidding."

"Well, I'm not."

"I don't care." Alex said from his desk.

"I do!" Erik chimed in.

"Why?" Glinda asked.

"Because then, my dear short blonde, I will be here with only you for company."

"Why does everyone hate me?" Glinda stood up and glared down the row of chairs at the others.

"Look at yourself! You're a pink ball of fluff." Erik replied when no one else would.

"So?"

"So, that and your unnatural perkiness is not attractive."

"So, wait, green skin, depressing views and conspiracy theories are?"

"Yes." Echoed Fiyero and Erik.

"What?"

"Nothing!"

"You said something!"

"No."

"You like me." Elphaba said smiling from her seat behind both Erik and Fiyero.

"No."

"Yes you do." She persisted standing up smiling still.

"No!"

"Yes you do!"

"What?"

"Oh god." Glinda sighed sitting back down.

"What is going on?"

"I don't like you!"

"Yes you do! You want me!"

"No!"

"Elphaba?"

"What?"

"Erik, just admit it."

"No!"

"You can't hide what's inside!" Weirder shouts out from her seat in the front row.

"Yes I can."

"Nope. Can't."

"Can!"

"Do you like me?"

"No!"

"Do you not not hate the fact that you can't hide your thoughts that you don't not hate me you really not not love me?"

"What?"

"How do you understand that?"

"Well I know you can't, Glinda."

"Yes?"

"Ha! I knew it!"

"Is that the question?"

"Yes, it was Yero."

"Oh, I mean no."

"Too late."

"What?"

"Well this has been fun. Now let's cut to commercial."

"No."

"Yes."

"I dare myself to pick up Elphaba and carry her out of this nuthouse to a land of magical 'fun'." Fiyero said excitedly.

"Yes!" Elphaba said.

"No!" Erik said as he punched Fiyero.

"Crap!" Glinda screamed as Fiyero said this and stumbled backwards.

"Cut to commercial." Alex said quickly. Fiyero then punched Erik back sending him stumbling back only slightly.

"Why it's just getting good."

"Cut!"

"Don't!"

"Why?" Weirder asked him from her seat watching the fight.

"It's getting too graphic." At this point Erik punched Fiyero's stomach and Fiyero punched him in the jaw knocking his mask off. Glinda screamed after seeing her face and ran behind a curtain.

"I think we should cut now!"

"Now would be good." Weirder chimed in.

"Holy crap." Elphaba exclaimed.

Erik Yelled angrily and slipped his noose around Fiyero's neck.

"Shit!" Elphaba said leaning forward.

"Cut now!"

"As much as I like violence," Weirder began leaning back in her seat relaxing. "I don't approve of this."

Erik then began to strangle Fiyero with the rope.

"Oh, shit!" She repeated jumping up and running over to break the rope's hold.

"This is really cool, though." Weirder said, Once again stating the obvious.

"Cut! Before we get canceled."

"Don't stop the film." The director ordered.

"Stop!" Elphaba screamed.

"Glinda runs out from backstage with her wand and begins hitting Erik over the head with it. Meanwhile, Evanesce appears out of nowhere next to Weirder and takes the vacant seat.

"So, what are you doing?"

"Watching the show?"

"Is that Erik?"

"Yep." Erik drops the rope and grabs the wand from her, which he then breaks in half. Glinda begins to cry like a little girl on the stage floor. Elphaba removes the rope from Fiyero's neck allowing him to breathe. Then holds it out threateningly between her, Fiyero and Erik.

"What are you doing with that?"

"What is it for?"

"Killing."

"Then that's what I'm doing with it."

"Who?"

"Who do you think?"

"I'd rather not say."

"It's you dude." Fiyero said smiling behind her.

"Shut it!"

"He's right, Erik."

"Stop!" Evanesce shouted walking up on stage between the group. "You drop the noose, you breathe normally and you," She picked up his mask from the floor and handed it back. "Put it on and continue to be awesome." All of them obeyed her words though they didn't know why.

Evanesce then picked up the noose and twirled it around her hand. "I'm keeping this."

"Why?" Weirder asked smiling.

"Why not?"

"Okay. Will you let me use it?"

"No!"

"Why?"

"You would kill your own brother."

"So?"

"So, no."

"Who would you kill?"

"Whoever I want."

"Who is that?"

"Guess."

"Your brother."

"No."

**Think!**

"I am!"

**Well think harder!**

"Shut up!"

"Think_: stupid_ and _moron._"

"There are tons."

"Yes, but one that I would actually kill."

"Brad!"

**Ding ding ding we have a winner.**

"Well, this was fun I'll just..."

"Freeze." Evanesce commanded and he did.

She then pulls out a copy of the novel _The Phantom of the Opera _by Gatson Leroux and hands it to him.

"Sign it."

"What?"

"Sign your name."

"An autograph?"

"Yes."

"Why?" Elphaba questioned.

"Well because he's awesome."

"Ha! I'm awesome."

"So, I have Elphaba." Fiyero retorted.

"So I have..." He paused looking confused for a second.

"Evanesce." Evanesce told him.

"Evanesce. Yeah! What do I write with?"

"This!" Weirder screamed standing up and throwing a sharpie on stage hitting Evanesce with it.

"Yeah, thanks."

"No problem." Erik takes the sharpie and begins to write on the first page.

Evanesce- Thank you for stepping in when you did. If you hadn't who knows what I would've ended up doing. I am a little shocked to see you actually had the book on you here, but still I am flattered to be referred to as awesome. _Your welcome for the noose and for killing anyone (Brad) you need little pressure. Especially if he's weak. Thank you again. I will remember your name, partially because I like it and partially because of your help. _

-Erik(O.G.)

awesome. 

"Merci." Evanesce said after reading his novel.

"Your welcome, Mon ami." Evanesce grinned and looked at Weirder who shrugged.

"What?"

"He spoke French."

"So?" Evanesce rolled her eyes at her friends disability to understand her excitement.

"My wand!" Glinda screamed still crying on the floor. "What do I do now?"

"Duct tape."

"It has a million uses and counting!"

"One use is to fix a wand." Erik said trying to help or at least shut up the crying blonde.

"Wand? It's a stick with a star on it." Elphaba said rolling her eyes at the blonde.

"It's not!" The blonde screamed and ran off the stage.

"Can we cut now?"

"Sure whatever." Elphaba said taking her seat followed by Fiyero then Erik who took Glinda's and Evanesce who sat in Boq's chair.

"Why are you here?" Gregory asked the girl now sitting next to him.

"I want to be."

"At least there's one."

"Two."

"Three."

"Four."

"Five!"

"Sorry I can't give you six. Now let's cut to a stupid commercial."


	15. Tales About Nothing Part 1

**This chapter was actually so long. So I've decided to take it down a literacy level. I will write the person's name and then their lines so please enjoy this chapter which is a bit of stupidity and randomness. This is the a slightly shorter part of a much, much longer chapter and the next two will be coming in a two piece set of wonderful amazing answers to dreams. Aren't you glad I'm updating! R&R**

**Disclaimer: Do not own Wicked, Phantom or anything else you may rcognize in here.

* * *

**

Alex: Are we back? Shit. All right is anyone watching?

Stagehand: Practically all of America.

Alex: Oh god we're a bunch of idiots.

Elphaba: We're great.

Alex: No I don't think that's it.

Fiyero: We're entertaining

Alex: No!

Weirder: They are watching me!

Alex: Hell no!

Erik: They're watching for the violence, sarcasm, hilarity of it and the stupidity.

Evanesce: And the growing anger of the host.

Weirder: Hell yeah!

Elphaba: That sums it up.

Fiyero: It makes sense to me.

Elphaba: Good to know you understand something dear.

Fiyero: Hey!

(Evanesce stands up and waves the wand around above her head) Evanesce: Poodle! Punjab! Potato!

Erik: Punjab!

Elphaba: What?

Evanesce: (shows her lasso) France! Foozle! Fop!

Erik: (stands) Fop!

Weirder: Creamed corn!

Evanesce: No. That was weird.

Weirder: That was my point.

Erik: The fop!

Evanesce: Should die!

Weirder: Who's the fop?

Evanesce: You're really slow.

Erik: That's putting it nicely.

Weirder: Brad? Me? Evilina?

**Hey!**

Evanesce: Raoul!

Erik: Should die!

Evanesce: Yes! (Twirls wand around)

Elphaba: What are you doing?

Weirder: I'm random!

Fiyero: No way! We couldn't tell!

Glinda: Stop you'll break the wand!

Evanesce: What would happen if I start chanting?

Erik: Try it!

Evanesce: Eleka nahmen nahmen atum atum eleka nahmen. Eleka nahmen nahmen atum atum eleka nahmen. (Waves wand)

(Screams from outside)

Weirder: Guess what?

Erik: What?

Weirder: Raoul is dead!

Evanesce: Really?

Erik: Are you sure?

Weirder: Yes really and I'm sure he's dead 'cuz I don't think you can live with a boulder on your head. Hey I can rhyme!

Gregory: Wow you're a genius!

Weirder: I know.

Evanesce: Ding-dong the fop is dead. Which old fop, the stupid fop. Ding-dong the stupid fop is dead.

Alex: Oh god.

Elphaba: Eleka nahmen nahmen atum atum eleka eleka...

Evanesce: No! Stop!

Erik: What?

Evanesce: She's saving him.

Erik: What, no! I have waited too long for him to die!

(Screaming can be heard from outside the studio.)

Evanesce: Weirder, what's happening?

Weirder: Well from what I can see Raoul is alive and the weather is great out!

Erik: You witch!

Elphaba: Yes?

Erik: Why?

(The stage door opens and a scarecrow dressed stupidly like Raoul enters.)

Elphaba: Oh come on! Can I not get it right?

Fiyero: Not again.

Raoul: What? What are you looking at?

Erik: Great. Now he's even more annoying than before.

Elphaba: You're a scarecrow.

Raoul: What?!?!

(Glinda brings a mirror to him.)

Raoul: Oh crap I am a scarecrow!

Evanesce: (waves the wand) I liked him better dead.

Erik: So did I.

Elphaba: You know, it's funnier when it's someone you don't know.

Glinda: Elphie!

Elphaba: I'm only stating fact.

Fiyero: It really is funnier.

Erik: It's funny because it's Raoul.

Raoul: Hey!

Glinda: Does no one care?

Evanesce: Nope.

Glinda: Why?

Erik: Because he's a fop.

Raoul: Am not!

Evanesce: Are too!

Raoul: Where is Christine?

Erik: Back on the with Carlotta.

Raoul: She must be dying!

Erik: I can only hope.

(Raoul runs or trips out the door to find her.)

Erik: Finally.

Elphaba: Good he's gone.

Evanesce: Wonderful.

Glinda: Why are you all so mean?

Elphaba: I was born that way.

Evanesce: I want to be.

Erik: I feel the impulse to be mean everytime I see him.

Glinda: Why?

(Evanesce waves wand frantically back and forth to try and tell her not to ask that.)

Erik: Why ask?

Glinda: Fine, I won't.

Evanesce: Good.

Elphaba: What else can that stick do?

Glinda: Not much.

Elphaba: With you holding it.

Glinda: That was mean!

Elphaba: I am mean.

Fiyero: She did.

Glinda: So?

Erik: So never mind.

(A scream is heard and Christine bursts through the door, slamming it behind her.)

Erik: And now Miss Daae has decided to join us.

Evanesce: Oh joy.

Christine: Raoul is a...

Erik: Fop.

Elphaba: Scarecrow.

Evanesce: Both.

Erik: A foppish scarecrow.

Glinda: Hey where's Boq?

Christine: The short man?

Glinda: Yes.

Christine: He came onto our show and was then chased away by the men in the pink.

Erik: Like your husband.

Christine: Yes but he came back and is fine.

Elphaba: Fine? He's a scarecrow?

Erik: He looks much better than before.

Christine: Erik!

Erik: Yes?

Evanesce: If I chant again, will that help?

Elphaba: How?

Evanesce: Then they would both be scarecrows.

Christine: No! I don't want to be straw!

Erik: You want to be married to it though?

Christine: No! Change him back!

Evanesce: Can't!

Erik: Yes!

Christine: Why not?

Elphaba: A spell can not be reversed once it has been cast.

Christine: What?

Glinda: He can't be changed back.

Christine: (cries) What?!?

(Evanesce hits her over the head with the wand.)

Evanesce: Shut uo!, Stop crying and deal with the fact that you chose a foppish scarecrow over someone made of awesome.

(Silence follows and Erik is stunned. Elphaba and Fiyero exchange glances. Glinda looks confused. Christine cries into the floor and Weirder stands and claps alone.)

Weirder: Yeah! Woo Hoo!

Evanesce: Thank you!

Weirder: No problem. I like embarassing myself.

(More silence follows and then Fiyero breaks out in hysterical laughter.)

Glinda: What's so funny?

Fiyero: Christine's got ears!

Elphaba: Everyone does Yero.

Fiyero: No! Donkey ears!

Erik: What?

(They all turn and amazingly Fiyero is right. Christine has grown donkey ears and a tail has also started to grow.)

Evanesce: That...is...awesome.

Weirder: Flippin' sweet!

Gregory: I will never understand your language.

Weirder: Thanks.

(Christine screams. Fiyero falls on the floor and laughs along with Elphaba and Erik.)

Glinda: It's not funny!

Elphaba: It is!

(She screams again.)

Elphaba: Glinda, nothing can be done.

(Glinda tries to comfort Christine.)

Erik: This is a really great show.

Glinda: Erik!

Erik: What?

Christine: Help me!

Glinda: Give me that wand! (she tries to grab it from her but is too short.)

Evanesce: Why?

Glinda: So, I can help her.

Evanesce: Why?

Glinda: So, she doesn't turn into a donkey.

Erik: But she's finally becoming what her husband is!

Glinda: What?

Evanesce: Except he's a fop.

Christine: What?

Erik: You're turning into an ass Christine.

(They all laugh while Christine screams and Glinda shakes her head.)

Glinda: Will you heartless people stop?

Evanesce: Erik, heartless?

Glinda: Yes! How can you not care?

Erik: Easy.

Evanesce: I could care less about the fop-loving donkey butt.

Weirder: You mean ass.

Evanesce: Yeah, sure.

Erik: I like you.

Christine: Who are you?

Evanesce: I'm a phangirl, which means I am anti-fop.

Erik: You are the fop.

(Christine screams and her hands and feet turn into hooves.)

Alex: She's giving me a headache. SECURITY!

(Guards arrive and Alex slips one a $20.)

Get Elphaba too.

(They grab Christine and Erik and Elphaba to drag outside.)

Christine: Wait! He...he...heehaw!

Erik: Let me go or that will be the last breath you take!

Elphaba: What the hell?

Fiyero: Hey shes not...

Alex: All right! Well know that they're...

Elphaba: Let me go or you'll wish you had never ever taken that $20 from him. (The guards freeze.) Yeah I know.

(The guard who grabbed Elphaba turned to stone and Erik's turns to flowers.)

Evanesce: I am loving this wand.

Erik: Merci. (Elphaba mouths the French behind him.)

Evanesce: French again.

Christine: What about me?

Evanesce: I told you. I'm anit-fop.

Christine: So? My husband is fop, not...

Erik: Aha! You said it yourself.

Christine: No! I meant...

Evanesce: Sure you did.

Weirder: I heard you with my own human ears.

Christine: No! He is not...he is...heehaw!

Erik: Wow that is funny.

Christine: Stop it! (Grows muzzle.) Oh god!

Evanesce: So, in the end, Christine became a donkey, married to a foppish scarecrow, and the Angel of Music lived laughing at how karma kicked her donkey butt. Oh!

Weirder: Beautiful story.

Erik: Yes beautiful, mon ami.

Elphaba: We know it's french.

Weirder: Do you know what it means?

Elphaba: No.

Evanesce: You do?

Weirder: Yes. I know alot more than you think I do.

Evanesce: Obviously. What does it mean?

Weirder: My love.

Erik: You do know.

Elphaba: That's what it means?

Weirder: Evanesce, you okay?

(She's frozen in place with a smile on.)

Elphaba: Nope she's not.

Glinda: Great now she's frozen and...

Erik: Crhstine's a donkey!

Christine: No, I'm not!

Erik: Right, not yet!

Glinda: Stop you're scaring her.

Erik: I tend to do that.

Fiyero: TNT!

Evanesce: Yes you do.

Elphaba: What, Fiyero?

Fiyero: I'm dynamite!

Weirder: TNT!

Elphaba: Oh please.

Christine: Make it stop! Plea...pl...heehaw!

Erik: That will never get old.

Christine: Neither will you! (She runs at him and begins to hit him with her newly grown hooves.)

Evanesce: Hey! Backoff donkey-butt! (She hits her with wand.)

Fiyero: Hey! Hey! You! You!

Weirder: I don't like your girlfriend!

Fiyero: No way! No way!

Weirder: I think you need a new one.

Elphaba: Shut up!

Christine: Take this you...de...heehaw!

Evanesce: (hits her harder with the wand.) Donkey butt, get off!

Erik: Christine you forgot to hit MY FACE! (he takes off his mask and Christine screams while evanesce laughs.)

Fiyero: Are you smarter than a fifth grader?

Weirder: Are you smarter than a piece of paper?

Elphaba: Oh please shut up.

Glinda: Stop using my wand!

Evanesce: Then I wouldn't have one!

Erik: Maybe if you hit my face I will have a normal one!

Elphaba: Doubt it!

Glinda: Now you've scared her!

Erik: That was the goal!

Evanesce: Now would be a good time to run off and find your scarecrow husband.

(So, Christine does run off to find her scarecrow husband.)

Erik: Yeah you better run!

Weirder: Yeah you...fart knocking turd monkey!

Erik: What?

Evanesce: Don't ask.

Fiyero: It's not easy being green...

Glinda: Won't you shut up!

Elphaba: Actually it's not so...maybe...kinda...sort of...no.

Weirder: It's not easy being rainbow, always having to wear stupid, retarded clothes.

Evanesce: Oh my god.

Weirder: Always having to follow...um.

Elphaba: What is she saying?

Fiyero: Singing actually. And it's a song about...

Erik: Fops.

Fiyero: Yes okay, sure.

Weirder: Mr. Burke. Always having to sing Michael Jackson and march in a parade.

Glinda: Oh.

Evanesce: Oh god.

Weirder: Did you ever know that you're my hero?

Gregory: Oh please no.

Weirder: You're everything I would like to be.

Elphaba: I can't believe you don't shut up!

Erik: You're shattering the very fabric of time.

Weirder: I can fly higher than an eagle.

Glinda: It's not so bad.

Weirder and Fiyero: 'Cuz you are the wind beneath my wings.

Erik: And now?

Elphaba: Now it's worse!

Weirder: Lean on me! When you're not strong and I'll be your friend I'll...

Fiyero: Help you carry on!

Evanesce: For it won't be long 'till I'm gonna need somebody to...

Alex: Shoot me.

Erik: Gladly.

Weirder: Those are not the words!

Fiyero: What are the words?

Glinda: To what?

Elphaba: The song, Glinda, the song.

Erik: Finish the song!

Evanesce: Lean on! Just call on me brother when you need a hand.

Weirder: We all need somebody to...

Fiyero: Lean on...

Elphaba: I just might have a problem...

Alex: We know that.

Glinda: That you'd understand.

Erik: We all need somebody to...

Evanesce: Lean on!

Weirder: Ready?

Alex: For what?

Weirder: Somewhere over the...

All: No!

Weirder: All right jeez. Let there be peace on earth...

Elphaba: Why?

Weirder: And let it begin with me.

Elphaba:Why you?

Weirder: Let there be peace on earth...

Elphaba: Yes, but why?

Weirder: The peace that was meant to be.

Elphaba: Since when?

Weirder: Wiht god as our father.

Elphaba: I would love for him to be my father. Can we swap?

Weirder: Brothers all are we.

Glinda: Ewww, Boq is my brother?

Weirder: Let me walk with my brother.

Elphaba: Go ahead.

Weirder: In perfect harmony.

Elphaba: Good luck with that.

Weirder: Let peace begin with me.

Elphaba: Why?

Weirder: Let this be the moment now.

Fiyero: The moment was 5 minutes ago.

Weirder: With every step I take let this be my solemn vow.

Fiyero: I have vows!

Glinda: To who?

Elphaba: Me!

Weirder: To take each moment and live each moment in peace eternally.

Elphaba: In your dreams.

Weirder: Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.

Elphaba: Who are you?

Erik: That. Was. Stupid.

Evanesce: Extremely.

Weirder: Fine then you sing a song.

Evanesce: Fine then strike up the organ.

Erik: What?

Evanesce: Do it!

Erik: Yeah if I had an organ.

(Evanesce waves the wand and an organ appears.)

Evanesce: No problem now.

Erik: True.

Evanesce: I was joking though.

Alex: Let's go to a commercial.

Evanesce: No!

Erik: Why?

Alex: I said so!

Alex: Commercial now!

Weirder: Thank you for watching this new musical called...

Alex: Stupid beyond belief.

Fiyero That's too long. Tales About Nothing!


End file.
